Relationships can be one of the most beautiful, fulfilling parts of life—but they can also be one of the most challenging. As a relationship coach, I’ve had the privilege of working with countless individuals and couples to navigate the intricacies of romantic partnerships. One recurring theme I often see is that, far too frequently, people settle into a relationship without actively choosing each other day after day. They let their connection slip into complacency, and that’s when things start to fall apart (when you don’t choose her).
I learned this lesson the hard way in a relationship I had a few years ago, and it became clear to me that the decision to choose your partner isn’t something you do just once—it’s something you must do daily. Relationships thrive on daily decisions to show up for each other, to choose each other, and to actively work on making that bond stronger. But when we stop making that decision, we leave room for resentment, neglect, and emotional distance to set in.
The Slow Fade of Connection
I was in a long-term relationship with Sarah*, someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. When we first met, it felt like magic. She was funny, intelligent, captivating, and everything I thought I needed in a partner. We had that kind of chemistry that others could see from the outside. We would spend hours laughing, sharing our hopes, dreams, and ambitions. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. The mornings, when I would wake up beside her, were blissful. Her warmth, her smile, the way her presence made me feel at home—there was no better feeling.
But as the months passed, I started to realize something. The things I once admired about her—her quirky humor, her independent spirit, her passion—were beginning to get overshadowed by the everyday struggles that come with being in a committed relationship. When you’re first getting to know someone, it’s easy to focus on their best qualities. But as time goes on, the pressures of life, work, and unresolved conflict begin to shift your perspective.
There were times when I caught myself wondering if there was someone else who could offer me an easier relationship. Someone who didn’t challenge me the way she did, who didn’t bring out my insecurities or frustrations. And it wasn’t that I wanted to leave her—it was that, in those moments of self-doubt, I started choosing her a little less. It wasn’t a conscious choice, but I stopped actively deciding to focus on the reasons I fell in love with her. Instead, I let my negative feelings take center stage.
Over time, this slowly built a distance between us. And instead of acknowledging that we were going through a rough patch or communicating openly about my feelings, I allowed that emotional distance to widen. Each day, I chose her less and less.
The Importance of Active Choice
I’ve worked with many clients who have experienced this same drift in their relationships, and I often find that the root of the issue is a simple but powerful lack of daily commitment. You see, we often think that love is something that will just carry us through difficult times. We believe that because we’re in love, it’s supposed to be easy, and that love alone will make everything work out. But love is just the beginning. It’s the foundation. What sustains that love is the choice to show up for your partner every day, even when things aren’t easy.
If I had understood this earlier, I would have handled things differently with Sarah. I would have been more mindful of the need to focus on her good qualities, to appreciate her for who she was, and to understand that every relationship has its highs and lows. Instead, I took her for granted and let my frustrations cloud my judgment. And the more I focused on her flaws, the more I saw them.
It wasn’t until later—after we had already drifted apart—that I realized just how much I had failed to choose her. I had been blind to the things that made her special because I was so caught up in my own feelings of doubt and insecurity.
The Moment of Truth
There was a turning point in our relationship that I’ll never forget. One evening, after another argument that left both of us frustrated, Sarah turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “I don’t feel chosen anymore. I don’t feel like you’re really here with me. You’re physically here, but emotionally… you’re gone.”
That hit me harder than anything she could have said. It was a wake-up call. It made me realize that while I was present, I wasn’t emotionally present. I hadn’t been choosing her every day in the way she needed me to. I had taken her for granted, thinking that love alone would keep us together, when in reality, it required effort—effort I hadn’t been putting in.
This moment made me reflect deeply on the nature of relationships and love. I realized that relationships aren’t static; they’re dynamic. They require work, vulnerability, and an intentional decision to choose your partner, day after day.
I had been guilty of thinking that love would always be enough, but the truth is that love isn’t a passive emotion—it’s an active choice. And that choice must be made every single day, choose her.
The Cycle of Neglect
As I continued to reflect on our relationship, I began to understand why things had gotten so difficult. I had fallen into a cycle of neglect. Instead of showing appreciation for the things Sarah brought into my life, I focused on the small annoyances, the things that bothered me. The more I fixated on the negative aspects of our relationship, the more they grew in my mind. It was like putting on a pair of glasses that tinted everything in a negative light.
But it wasn’t just me. She, too, had her own issues. She would lash out in anger, and I often felt attacked. But the more I responded defensively, the more she retreated. The more we avoided connecting, the more our bond withered. She didn’t feel safe emotionally, and I didn’t feel understood. We were both hurting, but neither of us had the tools to break the cycle.
As I worked through this experience and started coaching others, I began to see the same patterns play out in many of my clients’ relationships. When we stop choosing our partners, when we stop prioritizing them, we create an emotional void that can never be filled by anything other than connection. Without that connection, the relationship begins to crumble.
Learning to Choose Her Every Day
Since my time with Sarah, I’ve learned an invaluable lesson about relationships: we must choose our partners every single day. It’s not enough to decide to love them once and expect that love to carry us through difficult times. Love requires attention, intention, and effort.
Every day, I wake up and make the choice to be present with my partner. I choose to focus on the things I love about her, to appreciate the small moments, and to be patient with the challenges that inevitably arise. Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s hard. But I never stop choosing her.
This daily decision has been a game-changer for me—and for the couples I work with. When both partners are committed to actively choosing each other, day after day, the relationship becomes a partnership of mutual respect, love, and growth.
If you’re reading this and feeling disconnected in your relationship, I encourage you to ask yourself this question: Why am I choosing my partner today? If you can’t answer that question honestly, take a step back and ask yourself why. Are you stuck in negative patterns, or are you simply neglecting the emotional work that relationships require?
Sometimes, you may need to take a hard look at the relationship and ask if it’s worth saving. If you’ve been struggling for a while and can’t find the answer to that question, it might be time to have a difficult conversation with your partner. If you find that you’ve stopped choosing them and can’t find your way back, it may be time to let go.
But if you can still feel that spark, that love, that connection, then make the choice to fight for it. Commit to showing up every day, to choosing your partner, and to putting in the work. Because if you do, your relationship will thrive, and the rewards will be well worth the effort.
Love is not passive. It’s a choice. And it’s a choice you have to make every day.
